In 2011 my husband, Tommy, and I were simultaneously launching our careers. His dreams of playing Major League Baseball came to fruition in September of 2011, and I signed my name alongside Angela and Catherine to legalize the formation of REFIT Revolution, LLC the very next month.

Fast forward a few years and everything continued to expand, once again, simultaneously. We launched the REFIT Instructor Training program in September 2013, and I became a mom in September 2014. I always joke and say Crew didn’t “change our lives”, he just came along for the ride We continued living life across the nation – baseball games in one city, REFIT trainings in another. Dreams were real, days were full, and the pace was fast.

Motherhood looked good on me. I was confident, laid back, and naïve (and I believe ignorance really is bliss).

This was fun.

Our middle baby, Hayes, was born in 2016 and he changed our lives. He didn’t want to be at the ballpark past the 7th inning, he didn’t like the fool-proof “shushing” pattern I had always used to put Crew to sleep, and he required me to really learn HOW to parent. (How dare he?)

REFIT was also expanding during this time. We were approaching our busiest, most demanding year to date and it required intense work hours and high-stake decisions. At the same time, Tommy had just made the weighted decision to end his 10-year career at the end of the 2017 season. We were living in an apartment 2,000 miles from home and a million miles from where we wanted to be. Crew was 3, Hayes was 1.

The laptop and nursing pillow rotated spots on my lap. There was no work-life boundary. It was emails, dinosaurs, tasks, baby food, meetings, diapers, spreadsheets, and tantrums (mine and theirs) all at once, all the time, in the same space, all day.

Every difficult moment was exacerbated by emotion, and the pace of life was getting faster…but it didn’t feel like the thrilling ride it had been before.

This was mayhem.

I can’t even go back now and say what I would have done differently to make it easier - or what I could offer you if you’re also living in mayhem. Sometimes we simply have to stumble our way through until we emerge on the other side.

Sometimes “easy” isn’t a path we get to choose.

Several more years went by, and we expanded our family once more with baby Jett. This time, closer to family, in my childhood hometown - you’d think it got easier, right?

Wrong.

This became the phase of motherhood when I became very aware of the “right way” to be a mom. With older kids now in school and the last baby in a carrier, the mom-culture around me was louder than ever before. The message was:

"The best childhood is created when the mom is at home.” Sub-qualified with: “If you want to work, you should at least wait until they’re in school. If you don’t want to wait, you should at least only work part-time.”

This was pressure.

What if I don’t fit that mold? What if I need to make a different choice than the moms before me? Not because it was wrong for them, but because it was not right for me.

Creating a new mold takes bravery and conviction. The way it takes shape can be hard for others to watch and understand - especially when their mindset and opinions are equally as strong. But I promise you this: trying to be a perfect mom living a life you weren’t meant to live creates an internal battle you shouldn’t have to fight.

I love my kids, I want what is best for them and I have a passion to serve my REFIT community. I knew and trusted my heart that reminded me that I was created to do both. One didn’t have to suffer or wait at the expense of the other.

It took 9 years to arrive here, but I can finally smile when I reflect on some of the ways I imperfectly show up for my family:

I am a working mom who has opted to utilize childcare to better structure her days.

I am an involved mom who attends kids’ practice with a lawn chair and yells behind the fence.

I am a practical mom who re-heats leftovers instead of making dinner.

I am a forgetful mom who doesn’t always wash the right shirt to wear to school.

I am an impatient mom who has to apologize to her kids at bedtime.

I am an educated mom who desires to use her skill sets to impact lives around the world.

I am a lazy-playing mom who doesn’t *really* enjoy pretending.

I am a fierce mom who advocates for her children when there is injustice.

I am a high-touch mom who loves sharing a bed.

💛

I’m not waiting to start something, and I’m not rushing to get through anything. This is my motherhood.

Create the one that's right, just for you.

Reflect on your own experience:

If you’re sorting through an internal conflict that has you second-guessing the “mold” you’re living in, take some time to dig into this. Is it really coming from your own desires or someone else’s?

When has your life looked like utter mayhem? How did you get through it? This reminder will help the next time life turns you upside down.

| Keep Reading: I Found God on the Dance Floor by Catherine Ballas >>